Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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