What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
