I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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