How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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