We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
