She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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