If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
