I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
