the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
