Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
