i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
