I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
