I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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