sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
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