I'm so fucking centered right now
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
