If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
