i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
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