I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
