you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
