I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
