so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
