I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
