No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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