I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
