WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
