Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
