she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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