He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
