FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
