Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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