when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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