please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
