I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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