She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He kissed a someone with a penis
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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