Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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