That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
