I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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