I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize