youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
