btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
