I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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