A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point đź’ś
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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