Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
