Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
