I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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