Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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