please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
