So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
it glows. i had to have it.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
