girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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