You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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