its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize