That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
