Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Houston, we have a squirter
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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