I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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