yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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