It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
