i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
