I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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