he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
